Driven and Divided

Driven. That's a word I would use to describe my husband. That hasn't always been true. I've known him all our lives. We've been married for 25 years. But the last 6 years...possibly longer but definitely the last 3 or 4, have found my husband being very focused on his dreams.

He is a visionary--the type of man who sees the big picture and sees things for how they can be--not just how they currently are.

This really doesn't describe me, however. I'm not sure how to describe me. Since our oldest child graduated in May, I have felt very different. Our homeschool is obviously very different. Instead of having 3 students, I now only have 2 again. And it isn't anything like it used to be when I had two students. Our life is just very different.

And I'm more tired. I love homeschooling and I have enjoyed it so much. But now when I think about the tasks ahead, they don't seem that challenging. I don't have to expend quite as much energy on things because we are, in some ways, on auto-pilot in the homeschooling life. I'm working myself out of a job here, people.

Also, I have so much more help these days. Two of my children are teens/young adults. Only one of them I would still consider "little" and I'm not the only pair of hands around to help with her. Instead of everyone being little or everyone being big--they are both. I have some of each. We don't have little kid movies on all the time, because the big kids want to watch things.

But I also just don't feel as motivated as I once did. I think it used to seem like I was going to be a Mommy forever and also that they were growing up too fast all at the same time. I remember planning sewing projects for them and delighting in making quilts for them, painting things for them...I was forever coming up with some project for them to enjoy.

But with my youngest daughter it just feels different. Maybe she's not as easily impressed as they were (That is partly true) and so it's not as fun to come up with surprises for her. Maybe it's because she's the only little. Maybe I'm tired and burned out.

Maybe it's that instead of being all-immersed in being a Mom, I'm starting to dream about what I will do "one day." That day seemed forever far away a few years ago. Graduating that first child really made me realize that one day I WILL be through with them. At least in the hands-on, I'm fully responsible for you type way.

I've been working on writing a book. The motivation, when I started, was money, plain and simple. We need income. I started writing. I would very much love to be a published author. It has always been a dream of mine. But now I'm starting to see that it could happen. "One day" doesn't seem as far off.

But this makes me sad as well. I want to spend time making things for my little girl while she's still little. I want to enjoy reading to my girls as long as I can. Do I really want my "spare" time taken up with selfish dreams of my own? I used to be all-Mom-all-the-time. Now I feel like I'm cheating on that. I'm divided.

I don't know if that makes any sense.

Joining in on husband's dreams and plans divides me. Am I being the best Mom I can be? Am I being a good wife?

Am I having a mid-life crisis? 😉

I just feel that I have a lot of things going on at any one time. I don't feel like I'm just raising little girls anymore.

And I kind of miss those old days.

Signing off,